Important Information – This is Buzztwitter.com
Hi all this is the first ever post by Buzztwitter.com, your freshly squeezed social networking site.
Now look everyone we know there are already a lot of online social networknig sites out there with a lot going for them, but we thought that we would start our own new online social networking site, why? Because we thought we could do it a little bit better and that there was a need for a bit of a change in the online cosmos. Social networking sites are a little bit like the ‘nanny state’ you know big brother watching you and telling you what to do, we are going to try and let the members get more engaged with the running of the site and with the way it grows.
There will be forums on the site, which we would like to grow with whatever ‘enough’ members feel they should have on here. You will be able to create your own groups and set them to private or public. There is an activity stream running through the centre of the site which most things that are done on the site will appear and others will be able to add comments or share via other social networks. With regards to privacy we shall be putting up a general settings page which will tell you about all of the settings available to you and give you choices when actioning anything.
Who are the people that Buzztwitter.com are looking at attracting? Read the list below, and we hope you are in there.
We adore You
We adore you
People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of “Hobo”
Am I making this up? I feel like every time someone uses the word “hobo” to mean “homeless person,” somebody else has to climb waaay up on their high horse and don their semantics cap and start getting highfalutin all over town about how “a hobo is someone who rides the rails in the Great Depression, and is it 1934 right now? I don’t think so! And I can’t believe you don’t even know what words mean. How embarrassing. Have you heard of Wikipedia? Hhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Maybe I’m making all of this up, but if I’m not, I’d just like to say that I’m aware of what year it is, and I am going to continue using the word “hobo” however I please (within reasonable homeless- related limits, of course), thank you very much, and the way in which I please to use it is, “No thank you, hobo, I do not wish to go on a date with you.” Also I will accept “transient.”
People Who Are Mean to Hoboes
Lay off, man. Being homeless is terrible. Give the dude a dollar. (I’m still not going on a date with you, hobo.)
We want gamers to come over and smash the forums to pieces dude, like freaking smash them into space with those little joy pad thingy’s, no seriously Buzztwitter is going on the hunt for gamers period. They rock,
People with attitude Problems
Yes you with the twisted up nose and the I don’t care walk, get your butt in here now.
People Who Still Have Jobs
As bad as things are right now, this is still most people. Like, 93 percent of people. People with jobs are great, except for the few who talk shit to people without jobs (things like “Hey, get a job!” or “Where’s your job?”). In such instances, these people need to be reminded that they, too, possess jobs vulnerable to layoffs and should probably shut the fuck up. But you’re still welcome Mofo.
People Who Are Quietly Less Than $100 Away from Complete Destitution
You have to hope it’s going to be okay. This recession can’t go on forever. Ha Ha there is no recession you idiot, get in here now, you need educating, Buzztwitter.com has the tools.
People Who Secretly Have Vast Family Fortunes/Trust Funds to Keep Them from Ever Knowing Complete Destitution, or Even Mild Hardship
Just do something interesting with it. You already won. Don’t be a douche. Give it to charity and a bit to Buzztwitter.com we shall add a donations button just for people like you.
People Who Care About “Tweet” Being the Verb Form of “Twitter” and Have Opinions About Its Usage
This includes people who think you should say “tweet” when you talk about the activity associated with Twitter and people who think you should just use the word “Twitter.” These opinions are equally uninteresting. If you must use the Twitter, or not use the Twitter, just do it (or don’t). Let’s not bring grammar and logic and giving a shit into this. Fuck twitter use Buzztwitter.com and you can say a Btweet, Btwitted, Btwotted, Bforgetit.
People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns
These people (and they are numerous) are attempting to cultivate a cute quirk, but they are really just aping a cute quirk cultivated by thousands of cute-quirk-cultivators before them in a giant, gross, boring feedback loop. Yes, clowns can be mildly creepy. But come on. Among the many things that are scarier than clowns: fire, earthquakes, a guy with a knife, riding the bus, colon cancer, falling down the stairs (it could happen at any time!), rapists, people who just kind of look a little rapey and are standing too close to you in line at 7-Eleven, Marlo from The Wire, influenza, and scissors.
People With False Posh Accents
Yes these little bits of crap are the real low life of the world, it’s like remember where you’re from dude, please, no seriously, you’re making me want to scratch my eyeballs out with rusty nails, every time you open your trap. There will be a lot of this subject (what’s that? Yes it is a subject so fuck off) covered on buzztwitter, it will be under the heading of ‘Being a false pretentious joke’, and if you do fall under that label, then sign up and get your shit well and truly together now, also stop trying to talk like the Queen, cos your no good at it, and you ain’t got no money in your bank account.
People Who Don’t Watch TV
Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is almost never evidence of sophistication. It is evidence of not knowing what you’re fucking talking about. Are we really still having this conversation? Television is a part of the cultural landscape at this point—a lot of it is good. A lot of it is bad, some of which is also good. You know, LIKE ALL THINGS MADE BY HUMANS? Obviously it is also a good idea to go outside once in a while. But the presence of a television in your home does not make that decision for you. You make it. Feel free to still go outside at any time.
People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You’re Having
Please, please, please just order your own lasagna.
People Who Studied Abroad in a Third-World Country
People who think they are gods gift
Newsflash you’re going to be old and crinkly soon you fucker, now sign up then go die, in fact don’t sign up just go and do the latter fucker, shit already said that.
People Who Are into Whimsy
You can’t really be mad at people who send away for porcelain figurines of poodles wearing poodle skirts that they saw in the back of PARADE, or who enjoy movies in which impish children attempt to call grandma in heaven on the CB radio. That’d be like punching Helen Keller in the face. These people just want to be left alone with their extremely lifelike baby replicas—small false humans filled with pretend love, that can be asphyxiated with attention and never poop, cry, or grow up to make fun of anyone’s stretch pants and doily collection. Forever-babies. (Note: Sometimes people who are into whimsy vote against things like gay marriage. In which case, fuck ’em.) Whimsy people Buzztwitter.com needs your vote and we may even have a forum on creepy life-size Victorian dolls that scream ‘mammie mammie’ in the middle of the night
People Who Complain About the Printed News of the World Going Under Even Though They Never, Ever Used to Read the News of the World
You know what? That’s called “heart in the right place.” Don’t even sweat it. Just sign up Dude.
People Who Are White Who Call Black People “Brothas” When Talking to Other White People, as in, “A Lot of My Friends Are Brothas”
These embarrassing people have lots of black friends and are very comfortable around black people. They also aren’t weirded out about being at the gay bar because their ex-girlfriend was bisexual, and had a moustache. Sign up on the dotted line Brotha.
People Who Are Old
Notable old people include: Methuselah, George Burns, Andy Rooney, an elephant, Dick Van Dyke, Slade Gorton the senator, Father Time, Slade Gorton the Gorton’s fisherman, Chinese people (they kick white people’s asses at not dying), John McCain’s mom, the old lady who dropped it into the ocean at the end, Harrison Ford, and God… Sign up on the dotted line old folk Buzztwitter.com wants you.
Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends
Listen, old people. Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love. They only have the capacity to desire croutons, and gravel and bits of Burger Bing left over French fries.. And when you spread infinity croutons across the grass outside MY house, for the purpose of making pigeons love you (WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN), the only result is infinite feces. I now have to walk upon feces-encrusted streets through a feces-encrusted world. Because of you and your delusions of pigeon love. Stop it. You and the flying rats need to sign up to Buzztwitter.com right away.
The opposite of old people. They are like you and me, except smaller, more illiterate, and with less money. But are the actually nearer to old people as in are they reincarnated old people? Who knows.
People Who Are Secret Hookers
They’re your friends, but they’re hookers! Ssssh! Just sign up on the line Buzztwitter.com needs secret hookers Ssshhh!!! apparently they know where there are really good parties and shit, well them and the Gamers, Yo Gamers, you signed up yet dudes?
No judging. Sometimes these things happen. There but for the grace of writing a bunch of bullshit in the newspaper go I. Recession hookers don’t know jack shit about good parteis and good shit, but good news for them, they are still welcome to Buzztwitter… damn!!!
People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice
You probably want to hate these people, but why bother? They are absolutely wonderful, and all we can do is deal with it and hope to be charming enough that they will some day mate with us so that our children can absorb some of their impossible magic.
You know who you are, the mirror is not your friend, but the internet is, so just sign up and surf away matey.
People with Yellow Teeth
We are going to be doing a series of posts called how to bond with a toothbrush, and we feel that you are in need of such information and therefore should sign up to Buzztwitter.com right away. We may even be basing a competition on winning a free pack of Beverly Hills Whitening Toothpaste, which can with the aid of a toothbrush sort your gnashers out.
People With Green Teeth (I’ve Met Some)
Just fucking sort it out, but not on this site…. damn!!!
Join Buzztwitter.com meet some of the other members of society and you may realise that you are truly blessed and lucky not to be under the rich people label, most of them are Mofo’s, and have no gratitude.
People Who Smile at You on the Street
It’s always nice when any no creepy stranger smiles at you. There is not enough interstranger smiling going on these days. I also appreciate it when people working in customer service behave in a genuinely nice manner. Thank you. Please enjoy this large tip for your wonderful smile.
People who sniff you on the street
People Who Don’t Know How to Drink
Sometimes a person forgets to eat dinner, or sometimes they just didn’t have time or money, and then they end up at the bar and the only snacks available are peanuts containing more germs than a ‘Green toothed’ persons mouth. And yes, sure, sometimes they grab your hair and tell you, “You are drinking the most successful sausage slivered on a Slovakian Slever,” even though that’s barely even English, and then they lose their keys and have to sleep on your floor, where they wake up utterly bewildered in a wet patch and have to walk back to shame street and drink a Big Gulp of Sprite for breakfast on a Thursday. Be kind to these people. They mean well, and they are welcome on Buzztwitter.com especially on Slovakian Slever Sausage or was it Dauthage Day.
People Who Are Only Interesting When They’re Drunk
This one is a bummer, but it’s so much less depressing than its half brother, which is People Who Are Just Boring All the Time.
People Who Accuse Other Innocent People Of Shit That That They Are Doing Themselves.
Sign up and repent before hell swallows you up.
People Who Become Aggressive Over Money
People With No Gratitude
(see the two clearly defined words above and carry them with you for the rest of your shitty little life)
People Who Believe in Sasquatch
What’s that? You couldn’t afford your bunion surgery because you spent all your money on Sasquatch detectors? And now your bunion hurts? Bummer. A few years ago, a friend of mine told me that he’d discovered the secret to finding Sasquatch (he’s a believer because once, in an Idaho forest, he “heard things” that he “couldn’t explain”) and called some cryptozoological society to announce his epiphany: “Just find out what it eats, and then go to where that is.” He and I, we are not friends anymore. He’s welcome on Buzztwitter.com
People Who Don’t Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics
Seriously? Either you believe in science or you don’t. If you want to say sentences to me like “God made the earth 29 years ago out of Billy Graham’s stool” or “Every time you take the morning-after pill, Satan has two orgasms,” then go ahead and stay away from Dr. Syringey O’Medicine, MD, from here on out. Because you know that pill that made your sore throat go away? Science invented that. For you. Hey, why don’t you just pray for God to take care of that root canal? I’ll tell you why: Because God didn’t go to dental school, because dental schools don’t admit people who DON’T EXIST. We here at Buzztwitter.com do want to bring to light that we do believe in the existance of god, why? Because God just signed up ten minutes ago that’s why.
Assholes with beards who do magic. In modern times, wizards look just like normal people, because they’ve learned to wear tracksuits and tuxedos over their robes. This means that wizards could be anywhere. Can you trust the people you work with not to be wizards?
Citizens of Russia. The sworn enemies of wizards, sign up to Buzztwitter.com
Don’t be ridiculous.
People Who Let Their Cat Walk Across Their Kitchen Cutting-Board, Even Though Those Are the Same Fucking Paws That Have Been Tramping Around That Shit-Filled Cat Box and I Don’t See a Kitty Foot-Washing Station Around Here, Do You? Well? Do you? ANSWER THE QUESTION. You have no soul, but come on in.
People Who Don’t Know How to Navigate a Four-Way Stop or an Uncontrolled Intersection
Can a guy get a wave, please? Just a courtesy wave. That’s all I ask. These people are under the impression that rules do not apply to them. They do not have to wait their turn because they are special. They are probably the worst people on this entire list, and that includes wizards.
Animals That Are Really People Who Got Transformed by a Witch
These are people who got on the wrong side of a witch. Now they are turkeys and iguanas or some shit, and all they can do is cry (except not really, because emotional tears are a physiological phenomenon unique to humans and possibly camels). Don’t loan these people money, because they obviously have bad judgement.
People Who Are Just a Down-to-Earth Guy,
Who Enjoys the Little Things in Life Like Going for Walks, Lifting Weights, or Just Doing Whatever (LOL), Whose Friends Would Probably Describe Him as Honest, Truthful, Loyal, Affectionate, Compassionate, and Romancer, and Is Looking for a Woman Who Is That Rare Combination of Stunning on the Outside and Beautiful on the Inside, and Most Importantly Down to Earth, Enjoys the Little Things in Life, Loves Children, Animals, Has a Passion, Laughter. I Especially Like Asians.
Can we just skip to the part where you gun down everyone in the Taco Bell?
People Who Try to Pretend Like They Already Knew the Story About Jimmy Stewart Smuggling a Yeti Hand out of Nepal in His Wife’s Underpants
I do not believe you, unless your name is Jimmy Stewart’s Wife’s Vagina. And I’m pretty sure Jimmy Stewart’s Wife’s Vagina doesn’t know how to read. So…
People Who Sit at Their Day Jobs All Day Anonymously Posting the Meanest Things They Can Think of in the Comments Sections on Blogs
These people are just mad because they all have herpes of the eyeball. And diarrhoea of the heart. But just to save them some time: I am fat; I am a hipster; I am an idiot; this is the most boring, self-indulgent article ever written; I hate everything because I work for The Stranger, and if I ever say anything nice about anything I will be fired immediately because this is the policy; I should be fired right now; why don’t I just go write in my LiveJournal; Dear LiveJournal, I am sooo cunty and fat; I am a “hiptard” who thinks that everything not on Capitol Hill is like that space desert in Beetlejuice with the giant sand worms, and I don’t want to go there because I can’t ride my fixie on the space dunes (and also I don’t want to be devoured); anyway, I probably haven’t even seen Beetlejuice because I’m too busy FIRING MYSELF FOR BEING FAT; Dan Savage supported the Iraq war; and something about pit bulls.
People Who Are Bill Paxton
I really enjoyed your work in Twister.
People Who Miss the Point
(See also: People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of “Hobo,” People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns, People Who Don’t Watch TV, People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You’re Having, Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends, People Who Don’t Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics, People Who Are Bill Paxton, and Babies.)
People Who Don’t Miss the Point
I love you. Borrowerd from theStranger.com
Oh and People who don’t want to see other getting on did I mention you?
Get a freaking life, and from the world of the rappers,,, Yo Hater, go die dude!!!
Look Buzztwitter is welcoming to everyone except if you have green teeth cos we got to draw the line somewhere right? Look if you got green teeth send us an email or something putting your point across and we shall look into it.
But in the meantime to anyone who hasn’t got green teeth, welcome to Buzztwitter and we look forward to seeing you on the site soon. It may be a little quiet at the mometn, but we are sure with your input and our crazt approach we shall have it rocking and rolling in no time at all.